2020: ...

Taken during the morning walk

2020, that year shows a form of reflection. I guess that's what this year was about. It shows other depictions of every one of us, the ones we love or the ones we deny that actually exist inside our mind. 2020 was a rough year indeed, frankly saying, it was a fucked up one for me, but strangely, it brought me to a whole new level of discovering my inner self.

I should've made this kind of memoir last night; as a self-reflection, but what do you expect? 31st December to 1st January was always one of the hard dates of the whole day in a year.

It started smooth, so smooth I planted so much optimism in the earlier of 2020. Once I believed this was going to be my year. So full of good vibes. But the global pandemic hit us all, and there we are switch on the survival mode for the rest of the year. So here is the recap of what happens to me(and hopefully what I learned) from 2020:

1. People might think that "working from home" is a kind of system that every introvert people love. But nope-nope-nope. It is not damn easy to stay at home for 10 months(or more?) People fail to differentiate what introverts or extroverts were like. Introverts recharge their energy by having themselves in solitude, yes. But, FYI, having a "Solitude" is not always the same as being at home. For me, the freedom of going out alone, watching a movie alone, or even walking alone, are some things that I miss. So, truthfully, I'm kind of tired of hearing these sentences, "Aku tuh gak bisa di rumah terus. Ya kalau kamu mungkin nyaman-nyaman aja ya, soalnya kamu kan Introvert", excuse me? The global pandemic is hard to accept. People still need to adjust and readjust every day to survive. Please, just please, stop giving any nonsense comments. We suffer the same.
2. Connect and reconnect. I can say that I am not that good at maintaining connections with my friends. I lived in 3 different cities since Junior High School, not so many, but enough to drive my families to think that I have so many friends. Well, I was, but I realize that I lost them (or they lost me) somewhere; due to the lack of communications we had. But that's okay. This year I gained a new friendship even reconnect with my old friends. We start talking through meetings in real life (of course, it's before the pandemic), tweet replies, Facebook chats, even talking for hours by phone or Zooms. It feels so good to reconnect with everyone. Hopefully, I can reconnect to more people for more stories and journeys I missed for the past few years. For my friends out there, I hope you're always in good health, safe and sane.
3. A new kind of happiness from my career! Yass! I love that 2020 has brought me to this point. I'm an overthinker, and that is not a secret. It got me thinking so much into details that somehow it barely (or always) hold me to take a new path. This year I got this project with my friend to take over her community's social media. Apart from my role in this project, the fact that it was for women that empower their communities through homemade products made me very happy. Almost 3 years working in my field, and finally, I got to the point where I know my job can really help those in need. I feel content. 
4. New skill unlocked. I never regret my decision to buy a yellow ukulele in May 2020. It was one of the best decisions I made this year. I remember joining a music community in my university, and guess what did I play? None! So, the ukulele was my very first instrument to play. I'm not an expert, still, but at least now I can play my favorite songs with the basic strum, lol. My first song to learn was "Can't Help Fallin' in Love by Elvis Presley" followed by "Sometimes by Kodaline"(OMG! THIS SONG IS ONE OF THE UPLIFTING SONGS THIS YEAR!).
5. I never know what anxiety until I face it myself. 2020 is the year of anxiety(good rhyme tho) for me. I'm well known as a person who's always panicking. But this one is different because it feels suck, I feel haunted, and it didn't only affect my mind but also my body, and it did happen for a few days, even weeks. But thank God, I have a great support system to help me through it all. For my friends who were always there, if in any case I never get to tell you, I really thank God to have you guys by my side. This one is for you, thank you, and I love you.
6. I don't hate anyone or anything. Actually, I just need space. This year "space" has a deep meaning for me. It's not only in terms of a room or area. "Space" also means "pause" from never-ending connections. I need space to recharge my energy, start over, and prepare myself to come back to the routine and repeat. To have that "space," sometimes I go out, ride my motorcycle nowhere for one hour just to go back again at home, put on my playlist and walk 2-3 kilometers and come back. That's how I get my space.
7. Discovering old to new movies and music. 60's music still got me! Oh! I also finally crossed out some movies on my watchlist like Psycho, City of God, In the Mood For Love, Lost in Translation, Her, The Wailing, Mother( Bong Joon Ho), more Ghibli's, and many more. And found new (but not so new) gems like Unbelievable (series), Now They See Us (Series), Ethos (Series), Modern Love (Series), and more Korean Dramas.

Out of these seven things, there was a lot to learn from 2020. But most importantly, 2020: that weird year; a year full of an anomaly, and sometimes it caught me in the middle of two or more different occasion with complex emotions like marriage, break up, death, born, sick, healthy in one day, have taught me a lot. A year that feels so slow yet passing too fast, like, it got me asking somewhere in March, "how can I actually pass this year? I wonder", and now I'm in 2021. 2020: A year that forced me to slow down, looked back and looked to my inner self of what I might miss about myself. 2020: A year of self-discovery. 

A thankful soul,